I had this dream when I was ten, that when I will grow up, when I will be 25, I will have everything. A house, a family with a loving husband, two kids and a dog. I had everything figured out in my little, innocent mind. I knew what I want to become, I knew what I wanted and I truly believed that nothing bad could happen and that I will succeed in having what I wanted.
I still remember lying in bed, in my childhood room, cuddled under the big, fllufy, white blanket with my sister and talking about our future. I wanted to be a beautiful, skinny, blonde women. Rich and successfully on every plan. Having those fancy, dreamy holidays in the best beaches in the world, like the ones I saw on TV with the clearest water in the world, the finest sand and waterfalls. I would be sitting on a chaise longue and my husband, a gorgeous tall, blond, with big green eyes supermodel will bring me an cocktail and kiss me on my forehead. My life was like a commercial in my head. Now, when i remember that moment I smile and think that I was so innocent and romantic back then.
I am 25 now and I don’t have any of those things, and the strangest part is that I don’t really want them right now. I am sure I don’t want kids because I am still a child and I don’t want to bring to the world another human being in the wrong moment and fuck up her life and my life. I don’t have a successfully career, I don’t have a husband, not even a boyfriend and I don’t have a dog. And I am happy with my choices.
I don’t see myself as a housewife, cleaning and cooking and taking care of the kids and going to work, I am not ready for that. How could u be ready if u didn’t had the chance to see and experience everything u wanted? Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be ready. My friends tell me that I will, when is the right moment. But isn’t that the biggest lie in the universe? Waiting and dreaming of the “right moment” just to grab on something, to have hope?
I get bored really easily, I want to move, I want to start all over again, I want to meet new people, go to new places, I feel suffocated if I stay in a place for too long. I feel that I am missing to many things if I don’t leave. Yes, I do have a shitty job, that i hate sometimes, but it gives me the means to do what I love: travel. So I am happy that I have a job that pays my bills, that allows me to be independent and travel a lot. I am happy that I have friends in all over the world that I could go visit. I am happy that I have friends near me that understand me and give me a should to cry on whenever things are hard. I am happy that I have those moments of pure happiness when I go crazy on the dancefloor without caring of what other people think. I am happy that I can be free and do whatever I want.
I think that every person should go through this phase, I think that there are moments in life that we have to pass so that we become ready for more. Now I don’t think about how I am going to be when I will turn 30, I don’t want to do that because I don’t know what will be in the future. I don’t even know were I am going to be in one year from now, so what’s the point to constantly worry about the future. Isn’t better to try to live your life, to enjoy it , then to wonder about the future or have regrets of the past. U cannot change the things that are behind you, the same way you cannot guess the things that are waiting around the corner.
*painting by Agostino Arrivabene